halfacanuck: On friends

May 16, 2005 - 06:33 PM

On friends

You know you wanna be friends with the Asian chick wearing a t-shirt that says "Bling it on." Just try telling me you don't.

Friends. Friends friends friends. Friends! It's not just a seven-letter word, but also a plural noun, which starts with F. In the dictionary it appears before "ribald" and yet after "botulism," which can only be significant. But what else can we say about this word, indeed, about this concept? What are "friends"? Where do they come from? Where do they go? What are they wearing? Why do they look at me so? All these questions and more we shall answer, or at the very least ask, in this blog entry.

It struck me on Saturday, as I trudged desperately through Hangover Forest, that I have very few friends. (It's okay, I'm not going to get all self-pitying. I just want sympathy from as many people as possible, that's all.) I realised that I've never had many friends, but that I've always been very close with the few friends I have had. I think this is in general a good thing: I like having people on whom I can rely, and who know they can rely on me. But the obvious downside is that it takes a long time to get to that place. It takes a long time to meet people to whom one can become that close, with whom one is compatible enough that that kind of bond can be formed. In the meantime one must settle for the loneliness of acquaintances.

I've been told numerous times that Vancouver is an unfriendly city, but I'm not sure I believe it. I'm not sure Vancouver is any less friendly than other cities. I think the problem is partly cities themselves: it's as if the enforced intimacy causes people to turn inwards, to become over-cautious with regard to strangers. A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet, say the hippies, and they're right. But a stranger could also be a psychopath you haven't been hacked to pieces by yet, or a Conservative. City living, because of its anonimity, encourages mistrust.

Or maybe I'm just an asshole, and no-one wants to be friends with me. That's also a possibility (some would say a likelihood). It might explain why a dozen or so of the people with whom I've exchanged numbers don't call me and don't return my calls. But then why would they take my number in the first place, and give me theirs, if they don't actually like me and don't want to hang out again? Politeness? Perhaps. Personally I'd rather someone tell me straight out that the only possible reason they'd need my number is if they ever had to nominate a person to be executed in their stead.

Maybe it is me. It's true I've been in a rather introverted phase since coming here, since I turned my life on its head. I've written almost nothing. I feel boring. I probably wouldn't want to be friends with me, either. This is a very frustrating realisation, because I don't believe I am boring, when I'm "myself." Yet I struggle to break out of this introversion, this self-absorption, I guess. I often want desperately to talk to people, to socialise, to make people laugh. I'm good at it, and I want to do it. I miss doing it. But I can't bring myself to. I actually get anxious, sometimes, at the thought of talking to people, or even seeing them. Crazy, yes, but at least I have all my own teeth.

So what am I going to do about it? I have to get out of this phase. I have to stop navel-gazing, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop lamenting my lack of friends. I have to realise that finding people with whom one is more than superficially compatible takes time and effort. I have to make that effort. I have to smile even when I don't want to. I have to talk to people the way I used to be able to do, the way I can do when I'm not feeling so goddamned shy. I have to make them laugh, and say the outrageous things I've been known to say on one or two occasions in the past. I have to flirt. I have to floss daily. I have to use moisturizer on my elbows.

Alternatively I could just offer people $50 to be my friend. It worked for Tom Cruise, after all.

Comments and trackbacks

Here are the erudite, piercing and profoundly arousing comments and trackbacks left so far by my alert readers regarding this entry (you too can make me tumescent by leaving a comment of your own):

I actually saw you sometime last week walking along Dunsmuir St downtown (maybe Friday). I would've stopped to say hi but I was late for a meeting.

As for Vancouver being unfriendly, I have no idea. Maybe we're all introverted.

gillian – May 16, 2005 09:22 PM

1.You keep moving cities, making it hard to maintain friends.
2. You also move countries, making it even harder.
3. The friends you had, you forget to call.
4. It takes a while to slot into a new city -a year at least.
5. Canadians are boring.

I think these five points summarise and explain yr position. Oh, and it also pays not to totally fly off the handle with people...

Apart from that, stay cool bro! - you'll be fine. Just gotta give it time. Failing that, move to Tahiti.

your brother – May 17, 2005 08:41 AM

I keep looking at your name on msn. I even clicked on it a few times and stared at an empty box for a few minutes before closing it. I used to think we were friends. Maybe we were temporary friends? FuckedIfIKnow - anyway... just letting you know, I'll take the $50 if you want to be like, perma-friends. I just got demoted so the cash would come in real handy ;)

ND – May 19, 2005 11:28 AM

I'd be your friend, but you live in that socialist nation of friggin pot-smokin hippies. You probably even frequent those nude beaches out there in B.C.? You do don't ya!?! Friggin Canucks!!!
And besides, you could drop a line or send a note once in a while. I keep visiting your blog like silly fool. I get to work, start up my computer and check halfacanuck.com with great anticipation only to find... still that damn 7 a.m. pop quiz pointing out you woke up in the arms of a lover on a recent Sunday while I've gone without any for way, way too long.
Anyways, nice to hear you're alive and kickin' it. If you're ever in the bible belt (for whatever strange reason) stop in to say hello.

JT – May 19, 2005 02:12 PM

Hey Ross;

Called you a couple months ago to reconnect and welcome you to B.C. -- tried to reach you several dozen times since, but haven't been able to connect. Maybe you changed numbers, or just don't answer your phone?

Anyway, lost that number in the move, so feel free to email me when you get the chance with your new number.
DW

David – May 20, 2005 06:56 PM

Heh. Looks like you've got a bunch of friends here. Sorry I didn't meet up with you for beers the other night. I was actually a week late with my period at the time and going through immense amounts of stress related to wondering if a) I was pregnant b) I had a horrible, horrible brain tumour or some other awful reason why I was a week late.

It turned out to be stress. Go figure.

Anyway, don't be a stranger and I'll try to call more often too.

bree – May 20, 2005 08:23 PM

Looks like you've opened up the way to some friends... And it would really help if you replied to emails or had at least an ansaphone message on your cellphone...
It does take time, and persistence... Look for groups, e.g. poets, where hopefully you'll find a response to your undoubted engaging qualities...

Don – May 31, 2005 06:17 AM

ps. Hey, and you're a goodlooking young fellow: it might help to put a less nerdish pic up.

Don – May 31, 2005 06:19 AM

That's not a nerdish picture! Well, maybe a little, but it's cute and different.

Sounds like you have some friends. Don't forget to return calls and emails. My sister doesn't either, and it's really irritating sometimes.

Vancouver is a cool place, there MUST be stuff going on there! Come down to Seattle some time for a visit!

Neb – September 10, 2005 02:02 PM

I moved to Vancouver from the United States back in 1979 and am a Canadian now, but I noticed differences, mainly ones I didn't like. I noticed people didn't talk to each other on the bus, or very rarely that is, and if I was ignored several times when I mentioned anything. I agree it's how we approach people as well as how we are feeling inside at the time which influence the outcome of any interaction with people. I guess my main point here is that I came from large cities:Oakland and Sacramento California, and it was more acceptable there to engage small talk to people than it seems here in Vancouver. Of course this could have something/s to do with me, but all in all I did notice a difference in people here, cold, or friendly but not real. So I've been here since '79 and I still sense it. I love my wife and that's all I need and my two friends Adam and Paul. I wish relations were better between the US and Canada, maybe one day. This is the first time I heard about Blogs and the first one I've ever responded to, hope it helps. BTW: you can keep the Fifty bucks, reading this blog actually helped me understand I'm not alone on this issue. All the best to you!
Aaron

Aaron – July 16, 2006 12:34 AM

Whatever, Ross!

You have us. Okay, we haven't been friends for all that long, but I knew you were a keeper when you commented on my punctuation. Matt and I think you're fabulous. I don't know a lot of people that I can talk to for 48 hours straight. ;-)

And I found Vancouver to be one of the easiest places to meet people. But maybe I got lucky and landed in the one wonderful, friendly group of people in the city. I encourage anyone in Vancouver to get my info from you. One can never have too many friends. :-)

Well, now you're adopted, so you'll just meet more and more of us as we spend more time together. People like us collect more people like us. ;-) I love all the people you have introduced me to.

Yeah, making friends can be hard at first, but you've already done the hard part. Now you just sit back and wait for us to introduce you to all of our other friends. :-)

It seems like all your friends from other cities think you're as wonderful as we do. You deserve to be gushed about as I am now. You rock!

And I think I'm going to wrap it up there because I'm raving about how wonderful everything is and I sound like a total fruit cup. :-S

Big hugs!
W

Wendy – August 20, 2006 04:40 PM