halfacanuck

Phone: I heard "nine one nine eleven two seven eight six four three two one blast-off." Is that right?

Me: No.

Phone: Great! Please hold.

Me: ...

Phone: We were unable to locate an account associated with that telephone number. Did you say "nine one nine eleven two seven eight six four three two one blast-off"?

Me: No.

Phone: My mistake. Please say the telephone number associated with your account. Again.

Me: Five one nine five five five four zero one three.

Phone: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please say the telephone number associated with your account. I'll pay attention this time, I promise.

Me: Types number using keypad

Phone: Thanks! I'm now accessing that account.

Me: Sigh.

Phone: Now you can say what you'd like help with. For example, for help with general information, say "general information." Though to be honest it doesn't really matter, because whatever you say I'm going to give you general information anyway. Go ahead! Try it!

Me: Er... Roaming?

Phone: You have accessed the general information section of our automated system. To--

Me: No. NO. ROAMING.

Phone: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Did you want general information?

Me: NO!

Phone: My mistake. What did you want help with today?

Me: I WANT TO TALK TO A PERSON.

Phone: You have accessed the general in--

Me: NO! Operator?

Phone: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Could you try saying it again, only this time in a Canadian accent? Maybe that'll work.

Me: I waaaaant to taaaalk to a hooooman.

Phone: Haha! That was terrible! I can't believe you degraded yourself like that. And I still don't understand. Do you want to hang up really hard, punch the wall repeatedly and then write an angry letter to whichever dangerously short-sighted recipient of the Special Olympics "everyone's a winner!" medal decided to install a voice-activated system in one of the most multicultural nations on earth?

Me: Yes. You fucking computerized asshole. I cannot even begin to describe how much I loathe you and everything you represent.

Phone: Great! You have accessed the general...

Repeat until sun explodes.